deviant art

Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
[x]
Download File
HTML, 2.1 KB
more ▶

More from ~kiki5764

Featured in Groups:

Details

October 31, 2012
2.1 KB
Link
Thumb

Statistics

Comments: 15
Favourites: 1 [who?]

Views: 36 (0 today)
Downloads: 0 (0 today)
[x]
Verse 1:



Remember when I used to laugh and it wasn't just a choke,

Remember when I was the one that would make up the jokes.

Remember when I used to smile and it wasn't just a mask,

and you'd never have to ask if I was happy or not.



Pre verse:


Remember when I thought I could help you,

Remember when I wasn't weighing you down.

I swear that I have never lied to you,

I just may of left some things out.



Chorus:


Why am I still standing my ground,

When everything I care about comes tumbling down.

Why do I still love so much,

But whenever I ask once I get shot down,

I try to think back,

to when I was still whole.

But I just don't see myself as me anymore.

I ask you to remember, I don't know if you still do.

But I just can't forget you.




Verse 2:


Have you ever had a life that was lost to the past,

Did you ever really think that it was meant to last.


Well time comes swiftly and loss strikes fast.

So If I am asked,

I'll just forget it.


Pre verse:


Was there really a time I could help you,

I bet I was your one only fault.

This path that was taken was not for you,

So I'll just shut up and just walk.



Chorus





Bridge:


No matter how hard I tried,

no matter how many tears were cried,

No matter how much I just wan't to move on.

All the things that I did,

Man guilts a b****,

But theres something you just can't put behind you.


But I still don't know why!!!



Chorus x2



Verse 1



Chorus
:iconkiki5764:
I made up this song a while ago and I wanted your opinion on the lyrics.


thank you Saiyen-Girl for giving me the song title!!!!!
Add a Comment:
 
love 2 2 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:icon5silverfingers:
~5SilverFingers Dec 1, 2012  Student General Artist
*nods thoughtfully* For the theme portrayed, it is well done. The lyrics make you curious as to what happened before that made him/her feel this way. Good job!

Now, you asked for my opinions, and that is simply what they will be! Only MY opinions. 'Kay? *clears throat*

One of the key things in any lyric is rhythm. Each line needs to have a flowing beat along with a rhyme. To help make a lyric "hit harder" so to speak, is to keep a consistent pattern going. It helps make it more memorable. Since there isn't a melody connected to it, the words need to work that much harder. Which I like, because it means that the message of a song is actually good, and not just loud music.

Overall, this was a nice piece! Keep it up! :iconchristmaslightplz:
Reply
:iconkiki5764:
~kiki5764 Dec 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I'll try,


Most of my songs I right with a melody in mind.
Reply
:icon5silverfingers:
~5SilverFingers Dec 1, 2012  Student General Artist
And that's good!! That just means that the melody going through my head was not the right one YOU had in mind. :)
Reply
:iconkiki5764:
~kiki5764 Dec 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Hmmm.


I guess thats a good thing....
Reply
:icon5silverfingers:
~5SilverFingers Dec 1, 2012  Student General Artist
It can be, yes.

But sometimes I have to make sure that even if I would just straight read my lyrics (without the tune going through my head) that the message I was trying to convey came out without the music.

But when writing, its still good to know what type of music you want it to be in.
Reply
:iconkiki5764:
~kiki5764 Dec 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Okay.
Reply
:icon5silverfingers:
~5SilverFingers Dec 1, 2012  Student General Artist
I hope that helps somewhat... If I seem too "stuffy" I'm sorry.
Reply
:iconsaiyen-girl:
Mood: Adoration ~Saiyen-Girl Oct 31, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thats beautiful <3

you should call it 'Can you still Remember?'
Reply
:iconkiki5764:
~kiki5764 Oct 31, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
OOOH thank you!!!
yes I'm going to name it that right now!!!
Reply
:iconsaiyen-girl:
~Saiyen-Girl Oct 31, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
your very welcome ^_^ <3
Reply
Add a Comment: